


My Klokmortal

by Roseoil



Category: Metalocalypse
Genre: don't take this seriously or I'll actually cry, jesus this is a literal shitpost
Language: English
Status: In-Progress
Published: 2018-05-02
Updated: 2018-06-30
Packaged: 2019-05-01 06:49:42
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings
Chapters: 10
Words: 3,394
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/14514786
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/Roseoil/pseuds/Roseoil
Summary: This is a remake of My Immortal. You know, the terrible Harry Potter fanfic that plagued the internet 2007. Well, my friend and I had a cursed conversation about a au where Skwisgaar is Ebony...Since I can't be mature for more than five seconds I decided hey why not write this.I do not own My Immortal! So, if the writer of the fic ever sees this...please know that I love you a lot and if you didn't publish this fic then I wouldn't be inspired to write this. So thank you so much for your work!(Also! My friend Tak helped me write this?? I love her so much her tumblr user is animationalien give her a follow if you want)





	1. Chapter 1.

**Author's Note:**

  * Inspired by [My Immortal](https://archiveofourown.org/external_works/377796) by XXXbloodyrists666XXX. 



AN: Special fangz (get it, coz Im goffik) 2 my new gf (ew not in that way) Tak, animationalien 4 helpin me wif da story and spelling. U rok! Rebecca ur da luv of my deprzzing life u rok 2! MCR ROX  
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Hi my name is Skwisgaar Dark'ness Dementia Raven Skwigelf and I have long yellow blond hair (that's how I got my name) with purple streaks and red tips that reaches my mid-back and icy blue eyes like limpid tears and a lot of people tell me I look like Alexi Laiho (AN: if u don't know who he is get da hell out of here!). I'm not related to Gerard Way but I wish I was because he's a major fucking hottie. I'm a vampire but my teeth are straight and white. I have pale white skin. I'm also a wizard, and I go to a magic school called Hogwarts in England where I'm in seventh year (I'm seventeen). I'm a goth (in case you couldn't tell) and I wear mostly black. I love Hot Topic and I buy all my clothes from there. For example today I was wearing a black corset with matching lace around it and a black leather miniskirt, pink fishnets and black combat boots. I was wearing black lipstick, white foundation, black eyeliner and red eyeshadow. I was walking outside Hogwarts. It was snowing and raining so there was no sun, which I was very happy about. A lot of preps stared at me. I put up my middle finger at them.

"Hei Skwisgaar!" Shouted a voice. I looked up. It was.... Toki Wartooth!

"What's ups Toki?" I asked.

"No'tings." He said shyly.

But then, I heard my friends call me and I had to go away.

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AN: IS it good? PLZ tell me fangz!


	2. Chapter 2.

AN: Fangz 2 animationalien 4 helping me wif da chapta! BTW preps stop flaming ma story ok!

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The next day I woke up in my bedroom. It was snowing and raining again. I opened the door of my coffin and drank some blood from a bottle I had. My coffin was black ebony and inside it was hot pink velvet with black lace on the ends. I got out of my coffin and took of my giant MCR t-shirt which I used for pajamas. Instead, I put on a black leather dress, a pentagram necklace, combat boots and black fishnets on. I put on four pairs of earrings in my pierced ears, and put my hair in a kind of messy bun.

My friend, Melmord (An: Tak dis is u!) woke up then grinned at me. He flipped his long shoulder length brown hair with pink streaks and opened his forest-green eyes. He put on his Marilyn Manson t-shirt with a black mini, fishnets and pointy high-heeled boots. We put on our makeup (black lipstick white foundation and black eyeliner.)

"OMFG, I saw you talking to Toki Wartooth yesterday!" He said excitedly.

"Ja? So?" I said, blushing.

"Do you like Toki?" He asked as we went out of the Slytherin common room and into the Great Hall.

"NO I SOS FUCKINGS DON'T!" I shouted.

"Yeah right!" He exclaimed. Just then, Toki walked up to me.

"Hei." He said 

"Hej." I replied flirtily.

"Guess whats." He said.

"Whats?" I asked.

"Wells, Good Charlotte ams having a concert in Hogsmeade." He told me.

"Oh. My. Fuckings. God!" I screamed. I love GC.  
They are my favorite band, besides MCR.

"Wells....do yous wants to go with mes?" He asked.

I gasped


	3. Chapter 3.

AN: STOP FLAMMING DA STORY PREPZ OK! Odderwize fangs 2 da goffik ppl 4 da good reviews! FANGS AGEN TAK! Oh yeah, BTW I don't own dis or da lyrics 4 Good Chralotte.

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On the night of the concert I put on my black lace-up boots with high heels. Underneath them were ripped red fishnets. Then I put on a black leather minidress with all this corset stuff on the back and front. I put on matching fishnet on my arms. I straightened my hair and made it look all spiky. I felt a little depressed then, so I slit one of my wrists. I read a depressing book while I waited for it to stop bleeding and I listened to some GC. I painted my nails black and put on TONS of black eyeliner. Then I put on some black lipstick. I didn't put on foundation because I was pale anyway. I drank somehuman blood so I was ready to go to the concert. 

I went outside. Toki was waiting there in front of his flying car. He was wearing a Simple Plan t-shirt (they would play at the show too), baggy black skater pants, black nail polish and a little eyeliner  
(AN: A lot fo kewl boiz wer it ok!).

"Hej Toki!" I said in a depressed voice.

 

"Hei Skwisgaar." he said back. We walked into his flying black Mercedes-Benz (the license plate said 666) and flew to the place with the concert. On the way we listened excitedly to Good Charlotte andMarilyn Manson. We both smoked cigarettes and drugs. When we got there, we both hopped out of the car. We went to the mosh pit at the front of the stage and jumped up and down as we listened to Good Charlotte.

"You come in cold, you're covered in blood They're all so happy you've arrived The doctor cuts your cord, hands you to your mom She sets you free into this life." sang Joel (I don't own da lyrics 2 dat song).

"Joel ams so fuckings hot." I said to Toki, pointing to him as he sung, filling the club with his amazing voice.

Suddenly Toki looked sad.

"What's wrongs?" I asked as we moshed to the music. Then I caught on.

"Hey, it's oks Is don'ts like hims betters than YOUS!" I said.

"Reallys?" asked Toki sensitively and he put his arm around me all protective.

"Reallys." I said. "Besides I don'ts even knows Joel and he's goings outs with Hilary fuckings Duff.I fuckings hate thats littles bitch." I said disgustedly, thinking of her ugly blonde face.

The night went on really well, and I had a great time. So did Toki. After the concert, we drank some beer and asked Benji and Joel for their autographs and photos with them. We got GC concert tees. Toki and I crawled back into the Mercedes-Benz, but Toki didn't go back into Hogwarts, instead he drove the car into…........the Forbidden Forest!


	4. Chapter 4

Chapter 4.  
AN: I sed stup flaming ok Skwisgaar's name is SKIWSGAAR nut gary stu OK! Toki IS SOO IN LUV wif him dat he is acting defrent! dey nu eechodder b4 ok!  
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"TOKIS!" I shouted. "What the fucks does you t'inks yous ams doing?" 

Toki didn't answer but he stopped the flying car and he walked out of it. I walked out of it too, curiously.

"Whats the fuckings hell?" I asked angrily.

"Skwisgaar?" He asked.

"What?" I snapped.

Toki leaned in extra-close and I looked into his gothic red eyes (he was wearing color contacts) which revealed so much depressing sorrow and evilness and then suddenly I didn't feel mad anymore.

And then.............suddenly just as I Toki kissed me passionately. Toki climbed on top of me and we started to make out keenly against a tree. He took off my top and I took off his clothes. I even took off my boxers. Then he put his thingie into my you-know-what and we did it for the first time.

"Oh! Oh! Oh!" I screamed. I was beginning to get an orgasm. We started to kiss everywhere and my pale body became all warm. And then....

"WHAT THE HELL ARE YOU DOING YOU MOTHERFUCKERS!"

It was...............................................................Ch  
arles Offsdensen!


	5. Chapter 5.

AN: STOP flaming! If u flam it menz ur a prep or a posr! Da only reason Carles swor is coz he had a hedache ok an on tup of dat he wuz mad at dem 4 having sexx! Ps im nut updating umtil I get five good revoiws   
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Charles made and Toki and I follow him. He kept shouting at us angrily.

"You ludacris fools!" He shouted.

I started to cry tears of blood down my pallid face. Toki comforted me. When we went back to the castle Charles took us to Professor Knubbler and Professor Remeltindtdrinc who were both looking very angry.

"They were having sexual intercourse in the Forbidden Forest!" He yelled in a furious voice.

"Why would you do such a thing, you mediocre dunces?" Asked Professor Remeltindtdrinc.

"How dare you?" Demanded Professor Knubbler. 

And then Toki shrieked. "BECAUSE IS LOVE HIMS!"

Everyone was quiet. Charles and Professor Remeltindtdrinc still looked mad but Professor Knubbler said. "Fine. Very well. You may go up to your rooms."

Toki and I went upstairs while the teachers glared at us.

"Ams you okay, Skwisgaar?" Toki asked me gently.

"Ja I guess." I lied. I went to the boys dorm and brushed my teeth and my hair and changed into a low-cut black floor-length dress with red lace all around it and black high heels. When I came out.......

Toki was standing in front of the bathroom, and he started to sing 'I just wanna live' by Good Charlotte. I was so flattered, even though he wasn't supposed to be there. We hugged and kissed. After that, we said goodnight and he reluctantly went back into his room.


	6. Chapter 6

An: shjt up prepz ok! PS I wnot update ubtil u give me goood revows!   
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The next day I woke up in my coffin. I put on a black miniskirt that was ripped around the end and a matching top with red skulls all over it and high heeled boots that were black. I put on two pairs of skull earrings, and two crosses in my ears. I spray-painted my hair with purple.

In the Great Hall, I ate some Count Chocula ceral with blood instead of milk, and a glass of red blood. Suddenly someone bumped into me. All the spilled over my top.

"Dildos!" I shouted angrily. I regretted saying it when I looked up cause I was looking into the pale white face of a gothic boy with spiky brown hair with red streaks in it. He was wearing so much eyeliner it was going down his face and he was wearing black lipstick. He didn't have green eyes anymore and now he was wearing red contact lenses just like Toki's and there was no scar on his forehead anymore. He had a manly moustache on his upper lip. He had a sexy lisp. He looked exactly like Geezer Butler. He was so sexy that my body went all hot when I saw him kind of like an erection only I'm a guy so I didn't get one you sicko.

"I'm scho schorry." He said in a shy voice. 

 

"That's alls right. What's your names?" I questioned.

"My name'sch William Murderface, although moscht people call me Murderface thesche daysch." He grumbled.

"Why?" I exclaimed.

"Becausche I love the look of human blood." He giggled.

"Well, I ams a vampires." I confessed.

"Really?" He whimpered.

"Ja." I roared.

We sat down to talk for a while. Then Toki came up behind me and told me he had a surprise for me so I went away with him.


	7. Chapter 7:Bring me 2 life

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AN: wel ok u guyz im only writting dis cuz I got 5 god reviuws. n BTW I wont rite da nxt chapter til I git TIN god vons! STO FLAMING OR ILL REPORT U! Swkisgaar isn't a Garie Stue ok he isn't perfect HES A NIHILISTS! n he has problemz hes depressed 4 godz sake!

Toki and I held our pale white hands with black nail polish as we went upstairs. I was wearing red nihilist sings on my nails in red nail polish (AN: c doez dat sound lika a Garu Stu 2 u?). I waved to Murderface. Dark misery was in his depressed eyes. I guess he was jealous of me that I was going out with Toki. Anyway, I went upstairs excitedly with Toki. We went into his room and locked the door. Then..................

We started frenching passively and we took off each others clothes enthusiastically. He felt me up before I took of my top. Then I took off my black leather boxers and he took off his pants. We went on the bed and started making out naked and then he put his boy's thingy in mine and WE HAD SEX. (c is dat stupid?)

"Oh Toki, Toki!" I screamed while getting an orgasm when all of a sudden I saw a tattoo I had never seen before on Toki's arm. It was a black heart with an arrow through it. On it in bloody gothic writing were the words............ Murderface!

I was so angry.

"Yous dildos!" I shouted angrily, jumping out of the bed.

"Nos! Nos! But yous don't understands!" Toki pleaded. But I knew too much.

"Nos, yous fuckings idiot!" I shouted "yous probably has AIDs anyways!"

I put on my clothes all huffily and then stomped out. Toki ran out even though he was naked. He had a really big you-know-what but I was too mad to care. I stomped out and did so until I was in Murderface's classroom where he was having a lesson with Professor Knubbler and some other people.

"WILLIAMS MOIDAFACE, YOUS MOTHERFUCKER!" I yelled.


	8. Chapter 8.

AN: stop flassing ok! if u do den u r a prep!  
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Everyone in class stared at me and then Toki came into the room even though he was naked and started begging me to take him back.

"Skwisgaar, it's nots what yous t'inks!" Toki screamed sadly.

My friend B'loody Explosion Smith smiled at me understatedly. He flipped his long waste-length gothic black hair and opened his crimson eyes like blood that he was wearing contact lenses on. He had pale white skin that he was wearing his white makeup on. Nathan was kidnapped when he was born. His real parents are vampires and one of them is a witch but Magnus killed his mother and his father committed suicide because he was depressed about it. He still has nightmares about it and he is very haunted and depressed. It also turns out his real last name is Smith and not Explosion. (Since he was converted to Satanism he is in Slytherin and not Griffindoor.)

"What is it you desire, you ridiculous dimwit!" Knubbler demanded angrily in his cold voice but I ignored him.

"Moidaface, I can'ts believes you cheateds on mes withs Toki!" I shouted at him.

Everyone gasped.

I don't know why Skwisgaar was so mad at me. I had went out with Murderface (I'm bi and so is Skwisgaar) for a while but then he broke my heart. He dumped me because he liked Britney, a stupid preppy fucker. We were just good friends now. He had gone through horrible problems, and now he was gothic.  
(Haha, like I would hang out with a prep.)

"But I'm not going out with Toki anymore!" Said Murderface.

"Yeah fuckings right! Fucks off! Yous dildos!" I screamed. I ran out of the room and into the Forbidden Forest where I had lost my virtility to Toki and then I started to burst into tears.


	9. Chapter 9.

AN: stop flaming ok! I dnt watc all da shoow! Dis is frum da mucical ok so itz nut my folt if Chalrs swers! besuizds I SED HE HAD A HEDACHE! and da reson knub dosent lik william now is coz hes christian and murderface is a satanist! MCR ROX!   
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I was so mad and sad. I couldn't believe Toki for cheating on me. I began to cry against the tree where I did it with Toki.

Then all of a suddenly, an horrible man with brown and white eyes long goatee and everything started flying toward me on a broomstick! He have a goatee (basically like Magnus in the musical) and he was wearing all black but it was obvious he wasn't gothic. It was..... Magnus!

"Nos!" I shouted in a scared voice but then Magnus shouted "Imperius!" And I couldn't run away.

"Crookshanks!" I shouted at him. Magnus fell off his broom and started to scream. I felt bad for him even though I'm a sadist so I stopped.

"Skwisgaar." He yelled. "Thou must kill William Murderface!"

 

I thought about Murderface and his sexah eyes and his gothic brown hair and how his face looked exactly like Geezer Butler. I remembered that Toki had said I didn't understand, so I thought, what if Toki went out with Murderface before I went out with him and they broke up?

 

"Nos, Magnus!" I shouted back

Magnus gave me a gun. "Nos! Please!" I begged.

"Thou must!" He yelled. "If thou does not, then I shall kill thy beloved Toki!"

"Hows, did yous know?" I asked in a surprised way.

Magnus got a dude-ur-so-retarded look on his face. "I hath telekinesis." He answered cruelly. " And if you doth not kill Murderface, then thou know what will happen to Toki!" He shouted. Then he flew away angrily on his broomstick.

I was so scared and mad I didn't know what to do. Suddenly Toki came into the woods.

"Toki!" I said. "Hej!"

"Hei." he said back but his face was all sad. He was wearing white foundation and messy eyeliner kind of like a pentagram (geddit) between Varg Vikernes and Gerard Way.

"Ams you okay?" I asked.

"Nos." He answered.

"Ams sorry I gots all mads at you but I thoughts you cheated ons mes." I expelled.

"That's okay." He said all depressed and we went back into Hogwarts together making out.


	10. Chapter 10

AN: stup it u gay fags if u donot lik ma story den fukk off! Ps it turnz out b'loody explosion isn't a muggle afert al he n vampire r evil datz y dey movd houses ok!  
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I was really scared about Mganus all day. I was even upset went to rehearsals with my gothic metal band Dethklok. B'loody Explosion is the lead singer of it and I play guitar. People say that we sound like a cross between GC, Slipknot and MCR. The other people in the band are Murderface, Toki, Pickles The Drummer (even though we call him Pickles now. He has red dreads now with blue streaks in it.) and Dr Rockzo. Only today Toki and Murderface were depressed so they weren't coming and we wrote songs instead. I knew Toki was probably slitting his wrists (he wouldn't die because he was a vampire too and the only way you can kill a vampire is with a  
c-r-o-s-s (there's no way I'm writing that) or a steak) and Murderface was probably watching a depressing movie like The Corpse Bride. I put on a black leather shirt that showed off my chest and a tiny matching miniskirt that said Simple Plan on the butt. You might think I'm a slut but I'm really not.

We were singing a cover of 'Helena' and at the end of the song I suddenly burst into tears.

"Skwisgaar! Are you OK?" B'loody Explosion asked in a concerted voice.

"Whats the fucks do you t'inks?" I asked angrily. And then I said "wells, Magnus cames and the fuckings dildo told me to fuckings kill Williams! But Is don'ts want to kills him, because, he's reallys nice, evens if he did goes out with Toki. But if I don'ts kill Williams, thens Magnus, will fuckings kill Tokis!" I burst into tears.

Suddenly Toki jumped up from behind a wall.

"Whys didn't yous fuckings tell mes!" He shouted. "Hows could yous-yous-yous fucking poser muggles bitch!" (c is dat out of character?) 

I started to cry and cry. Toki started to cry too all sensitive. Then he ran out crying.

We practiced for one more hour. Then suddenly Charles walked in angrily! His eyes were all firey and I knew this time it wasn't because he had a headache.

"What have you done!" He started to cry wisely (c dats basically nut swering and dis time he wuz relly upset n u wil c y) "Skwisgaar Toki has been found dead in his room. He committed suicide by slitting his wrists."


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